Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Mr. Know-It-All

Could it be? Is it possible that Mr. Know-It-All has actually answered all of your questions?

Well, I seriously doubt that, but the last time he wrote a column he only received two new ones. So I guess it's up to you now. Either leave more questions or say goodbye to this feature for good. (sniff)

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What's the best holiday in the U.S.?

- Elizabeth


Dear Elizabeth,
Sadly, the very best holiday in the US hasn't happened yet. But when it does you'll hear about it loud and clear. It's looking pretty good for happening this year though!

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What is the deal with those jerks who whiz past the long line of cars waiting to go through construction, and then try to cut in at the last minute? Why do they think they're so special?

- Heather

Dear Heather,
Because these people are special. The day they were born their birth certificates were embossed with a unique stamp proclaiming that for the rest of their lives they would be granted privileges normally reserved for people like royalty and dignitaries and Paris Hilton. Everything about these people is special. They are more beautiful than us, their time is more valuable than ours, and they never have to shop at Walmart. Therefore, the rest of us "ordinary" people must resolve to the fact the we shall forever let them pass us on the left, and provide space for them in front. It's just the way things are.

* * * * *

So that's all I got folks. Watta ya say... bring Mr. Know-It-All back or send him packing?

related reads: click here to see the previous columns

14 comments:

Michelle said...

Oh no no no. He can't go packing.

Why do all those special people just described live in Chicago? (More particularly, apparently in the same suburb I do.)

Is it a bad sign when your neck starts cracking every time you tilt it to one side?

Can a caramel apple ever *really* go bad?

Why is it that those who most need sleep are the ones who most resist it?

Let me know if you need more. I'm full of 'em.

Is it a bad sign when my keyboard no longer has the letters embossed on the keys (e, a, s, d, v, n, m, o in particular)?

Heather said...

Hmmm. Mr. KIA's answer makes me sort of sad. Is he trying to tell me something?

Dear Mr. KIA,
Why do I continue to feed my family things that cause the air to turn green?
Thanks,
Gagging in SEMN

Maureen said...

Dear Mr. Know-It-All: Why do you wear spats and no shoes?

Dear Mr. Know-It-All: Is there REALLY a Frostbite Falls, Minnesota? If so, do you have a good mall?

Dear Mr. Know-It-All: If Rocky was so smart, how come he never saw through those terrible disguises Natasha and Boris wore?

JD at I Do Things said...

Please, Mr. Know-it-All! We need you!

1. Why does my cat's breath smell so rank but then her fur (which she washes with her rank-breathed mouth) always smells so nice?

2. Why does that anti-inflammatory pill I take ONLY suppress my appetite on days I WANT to eat?

3. Is it true that food eaten between the hours of midnight and 3 AM have no calories? (please please please)

That's it for now. I'll try to come up with some more.

Elizabeth said...

What's the best way to survive winter in Minnesota?

Roger said...

Mr. Know-it-all cannot leave, I have so many questions left.

What ever happened to the rock group Winger?

Who decides when a band should wear, or stop wearing, makeup as part of their act?

Did you know that the group Poison were actually men the first time you looked at their first album cover?

What is the title of the tune from "Kill Bill Vol One" that Darryl Hannah is whistling?

Which is a better Tchaikivsky tune; "1812 Overture" or "March Slave"

Which candy bar is the absolute best, in your opinion?

Can you tell the difference between 200 and 400 thread count sheets?

Is Windows 7 going to save me from any nightmares?

Should I start buying gold?

That should keep you busy for a few minutes. :)

Bonus question: Your word verification for me is 'tyloater' - care to give me a definition?

Roger said...

Oops, I dropped an e in "Marche Slave" sorry.

Jeff said...

Mr. Know-It-All thanks you all for the questions, and is touched that you care enough to keep him around.

Heather - Have you regretted the last phrase of your comment yet? I know it's supposed to stand for S.E. Minnesota, but you may want to come up with another way to say that. Just sayin.

Mom Thumb said...

You seem to have a penchant for weird and/or gross food. What exactly is in a fruitcake?

VE said...

Cool...I think I'm one of those special people. I better go check my birth certificate...

carlae said...

Nope, keep em coming. In fact I just now thought of a question I will email to Mr. Know-It-All.

Kathy said...

Clearly, all you had to do was ask. You'll be sorry if you aren't already.

I watched an episode of House Hunters once and a woman said she didn't want a condo with a smooth-top stove because "it would be too hard to clean." Why would she say such a stupid thing?

My neighbor has to mow his lawn twice weekly in the summer. He fertilizes his lawn. How can I make him understand that when you fertilize, you make it grow more, hence mowing more, hence disturbing all his neighbors more?

What happened to Paris Hilton? You never heard anything about her anymore. Who do I thank for that?

How can I stop two of my cats from running tag team in the morning to wake us up? They have food in a bowl in the kitchen. What can I do to make them stop bothering our sleep?

Jeff said...

kathy - I'm never sorry to have blog fodder. These questions are awesome. Now I can "bank" them and release the answers over time. Thanks!

Janna said...

OMG!
What a cool idea.
I will certainly be able to come up with tons of questions.... that is, if you still need some after all these other lovely people have already posted so many. :)

What is the average velocity of an unladen swallow?

No! Wait!

1. When I make my aluminum foil helmet so the government can't read my thoughts, which side should be facing my head: the shiny side or the non-shiny side?

2. When unmentionable cow parts get turned into hot dogs, approximately how many cows can fit into one hot dog? And what happens to the parts that are left over?

3. If the galaxy is shaped like a giant pizza, are we the pepperoni or the sausage? Does this mean the vegetarians are aliens?

4. Can really good harmonica players yodel and juggle at the same time?