Sunday, February 21, 2010

What a parent will do for a child

This was me this afternoon.

Well, not exactly "me" per se because I was taking the picture, but this is where I was sitting when I chaperoned Rosie's drum line rehearsal today.

Being a chaperon involves the highly-skilled task of sitting in an empty junior high school hallway for 2 hours while the drum line practices in the adjoining gymnasium. My role then, was to be the security force that prevents ne'er-do-wells from infiltrating the... uh, the... er, well the 100 feet of hallway behind me.

So... while I was sitting there, this is what I was hearing:

a-tink! a-tink! a-tink! a-tink!
a-tink! a-tink! a-tink! a-tink!
a-tink! a-tink! a-tink! a-tink!
a-tink! a-tink! a-tink! a-tink! etc... ad infitatum
(sound of excruciatingly loud metallic metronome)

bump-bump-bump-bump BUMP-a-ba-bump-bump
bump-bump-bump-bump BUMP-a-ba-bump-bump
bump-bump-bump-bump BUMP-a-ba-bump-bump
bump-bump-bump-bump BUMP-a-ba-bump-bump... repeat 4000 times
(sound of snare drums ON TOP of excruciatingly loud metallic metronome)

Rosie on the far right

After only 45 minutes, I realize that this inhumane abuse must be added to the congressional list of currently debated torture, right along with waterboarding and electrocution.

Forget about what you've seen in the movies. Remember that scene in Marathon Man where Laurence Olivier took a dentist drill to Dustin Hoffman's teeth to get him to spill it? Ya... this is worse.

Or how about when Daniel Craig was tied to that chair in Casino Royal and that guy whipped him in his naughty bits with that huge knotted rope?


Or what about when they put those creatures in Chekov's ear in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan?!

Still worse!

So what I'm saying is - loud metallic metronomes are painful. They're loud and they're loud and they never stop. NEVER! For 2 hours!

Still... I survived. And my daughter is doing something she loves. And I love her, so that's why I was there.

And now I know just how much I love her.

It's a lot.


Roger Miller said...

My, how junior high school marching band has changed since I was there. I don't recall there ever being chaperoned during a practice.

Practice! Practice! You want me to, Practice?

I can only imagine the ne'er-do-wells that would infiltrate a drum line practice.

So, has your head stopped beating yet? :-)

Ed said...

I'm not sure--that knotty rope looked painful.

Though I must admit, my ears started ringing when I was reading this. Could just be my tinnitus.

Kathy said...

Brutal! You and me with our ears and sounds that bother us. I would have given up my post after five minutes. They would have scolded me and then never asked me to chaperon again. Not a bad plan, actually.

Two hours??? Ugh.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

roger - You're right of course. If anyone ever tried to sneak in and do something ne'er-do-well-ish, they would immediately turn themselves in screaming "I give up! - Just take me to a nice quite jail!"

ed - Yeah, I thought the rope thing looked pretty painful too. But still... I mean you had to be there.

kathy - This goes beyond our infamous "annoyance" posts. Waaayyyy beyond.

Babs-beetle said...

I would not have lasted two hours. Probably after two minutes I would be gazing at the exit in readiness.

Was there a reason why you had to actually sit there all that time? Couldn't you drop her off and pick her up in two hours?

Mom Thumb said...

I have a whole list of things like this. The one that popped into mind while reading this was the field trip when the 4th graders decided to sing the 50 States song all the way back from the Iron Range. Fun bus trip.

Maureen said...

Next time bring your ear plugs. And ear muffs. And headphones just to be on the safe side.

Oh, there won't BE a next time, will there?

Mom Thumb said...

I have no idea why my comment posted three times. My computer has been a complete ass for three days.

rick said...

The Daniel Craig scene with the rope... while it was a very effective,disturbing torture, I couldn't help but wonder? How did the guy develope such amazing accuracy swinging that big rope to the underside of that little chair? I mean, I bet it I tried that a hundred times, I would only hit the bullseye maybe once or twice, and he never missed. But then I realized that James Bond probably just has a super-duper sized scrotum.

Ed said...

Now that is why mp3 players were invented...

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

babs - No, they have to have an adult chaperon in the hallway at all times. Believe it or not, they practice for 8 hours every Sunday, but they keep the chaperon shifts to only 2 hours. ONLY 2 hours. Right.

mom thumb - I suppose it's better than 100 bottles of beer on the wall. At least there's only 50 states.

maureen - Trust me... I thought of that at about minute 2. Although I may need some of those giant noise-canceling headphones like they wear on airport tarmacs.

rick - Your knowledge of rope to testicle contact accuracy disturbs me.

ve - I'm going to find an mp3 file of that metallic metronome and put it on my player. That way I can listen to it anywhere at anytime!

Michelle said...

So your advice to me is to not let the wee ones play band instruments then, yes?

Are you allowed to bring earplugs? And I wonder if it's worse for you as a musician than it would be for someone with no tone or rhythm....

Mooselet said...

You are a better parent that I, as I don't think it would have lasted more than 30 minutes without going insane.

Bill said...

Hopefully I will have to get used to harp music.

Anonymous said...

You're going to have to write louder, I can't hear you.

Janna said...

Now I'm having flashbacks to marching band in high school.


Especially the "bump a BUMP bump" part, multiplied by 4000 times.

Roger Miller said...

Hey!! My reader just exploded with a bunch of posts! Does this mean that you are open to the public again? Can expect some wonderful wit to help me through my day soon? Will you actually read this and respond? Hope the new job is going well, and I hope to see more of your genius. :-)