Sunday, November 07, 2010

Mr. Know-It-All

Holy canolli… it’s been a long time!

But the last time we did this you all left a ton of excellent questions so I have a ton of excellent answers! Let’s get right to it, shall we?

I’ll start first with this one left by my dad Bill on Facebook, after wondering why it has taken me so long to write a blog post.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Five weeks (to win a game of) solitaire. How many weeks to write a new blog?

- Bill

Dear Bill,
Believe it or not, every post published here on View From The Cloud is a thoroughly vetted work of legitimate journalism. However, some stories take longer than others to produce based on the subject matter. For example this one took five weeks like you mentioned because I was doing scientific research on how brain exercise via game stimulation increases your cognitive ability to ignore blogging.

And so it varies. But in general, here’s how long it takes me to write posts in these various categories:
  • Poop – Immediately… they just seem to plop right out.
  • Billisms – I’m STILL accumulating material... so about 84 years.
  • Dear Diary – Way too long. Every time I start to read my old diary I have flashbacks that take several hours to snap out of.
  • The St. Cloud Skate Plaza – 4 years!

* * * * *

 Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
1. Is it a bad sign when your neck starts cracking every time you tilt it to one side?
2. Is it a bad sign when my keyboard no longer has the letters embossed on the keys (e, a, s, d, v, n, m, o in particular)?

- Michelle

Dear Michelle,
1. No, but if Pez candy starts shooting out of your mouth you may want to get that checked.
2. I don’t know if it’s bad, but apparently the only things you ever seem to write about are:mad ovens, damn mavens, sad venom, man doves, van domes and nads demos.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
1. Why do you wear spats and no shoes?
2. Is there REALLY a Frostbite Falls, Minnesota? If so, do you have a good mall?

- Maureen

Dear Maureen,
1. Shouldn't you be more concerned that I'm wearing spats and no pants?
2. What are you saying, I made up my birthplace? What… you want to see proof of my birth certificate? I suppose next you’re going to start calling me a moose-lum terrorist.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
1. Why does my cat's breath smell so rank but then her fur (which she washes with her rank-breathed mouth) always smells so nice?
2. Is it true that food eaten between the hours of midnight and 3 AM have no calories? (please please please)

- JD

Dear JD,
1. Easy. Her flypaper-like tongue is collecting the stink particles off her butt fur and storing them in her mouth. Now, go get those kitty kisses!
2. Well, that depends. If you’re eating rice cakes and diet Coke then yes, very few calories. But if you’re like everyone else who has had too much to drink at that time of the morning and you’re eating an entire pizza, several microwave burritos, and 16 hard shells from Taco Bell then maybe. I’ll need to do a little field research on that and get back to you.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
1. What is the title of the tune from "Kill Bill Vol One" that Darryl Hannah is whistling?
2. Which candy bar is the absolute best, in your opinion?
3. Can you tell the difference between 200 and 400 thread count sheets?
- Roger

Dear Roger,
1. The nerve of you to ask! That haunting tune, written by Benard Hermann, is called Twisted Nerve.
2. No contest… Metho Cups. They’re positively addicting!
3. Yes, it’s about $19.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
You seem to have a penchant for weird and/or gross food. What exactly is in a fruitcake?
- Mom Thumb

Dear Mom Thumb,
I’ll answer that when you tell me what a penchant is. Is that like a bunch of people yelling “BIC! BIC! BIC! BIC!”??? Anyway, fruitcakes contain all the little spare things that end up in the bottom of your pencil drawer - like erasers, ear plugs and rubber stamps.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
1. My neighbor has to mow his lawn twice weekly in the summer. He fertilizes his lawn. How can I make him understand that when you fertilize, you make it grow more, hence mowing more, hence disturbing all his neighbors more?
2. What happened to Paris Hilton? You never heard anything about her anymore. Who do I thank for that?
- Kathy

Dear Kathy,
1. The real issue here is that he’s too damn noisy and he doesn’t realize it. So… the next time he mows his lawn, you and your husband should go outside wearing those big headphone things like airport maintenance people use, and then start waving ship signal flags at each other to communicate. If he doesn’t notice that, get two electric megaphones like swat teams use and start having a conversation about what’s for dinner. If THAT doesn’t work walk over and shoot his lawnmower with a shotgun. Of course try to save that as a last resort.
2. Sorry, but your Paris-free days are nearly over. Last I heard she was negotiating a new reality TV show called Prison Ain’t No Hilton. In fact, I understand she is planning to commit a new felony every season.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
1. What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
2. When I make my aluminum foil helmet so the government can't read my thoughts, which side should be facing my head: the shiny side or the non-shiny side?
- Janna

Dear Janna,
1. What do you mean… African or European? Actually, you'll find a complete answer here.
2. Always keep the shiny side out. Especially when you can't take the "voices" anymore and finally decide to put your head in the oven.

* * * * *

So that's it for now folks. Stay tuned for more!

Related Reads: click here to see all the Mr. Know It All columns!


Heather said...

There was so much info there that I had no idea I needed!

Mooselet said...

Follow-up question: When I make my tin-foil hat, do I use aluminum or aluminium?

Anonymous said...

Oh how wonderful to have you back blogging! Fun to see Heather and Mooselet found it and commented. Hope you find the time to keep doing it!!

Mother Theresa said...

I just love the lawnmower guy advice! Oh, and I always knew there was a very good reason for not liking fruitcake. :D

Maureen said...

Ahahaha! It was so great to see you back again Mr. Know-It-All! Well worth the wait. And I would never, ever call you a moose-lum terrorist.