Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Train Lady

Then there's the woman who sat down directly across from me on the train this morning, even though there were 3 other empty sets of seats immediately around us. And when I say "directly" across from me?... I don't mean in the seat kitty-corner across, I mean the seat directly across from me. You know, knees-to-knees.

"Good morning!" she beamed. And then things just got weird from that point on.

Ok, weird-er.

For the next 3 minutes this overly comfortable train lady proceeded to unpack several items from her purse, naming them as she went: "pills... chapstick... cellphone... iPod..." in some kind of bizarre pre-flight preparation of her daily ride-tual.

And then suddenly, as if suffering from a surprise leg cramp, she whipped off her left shoe and thrust her foot up onto the baseboard heater between my right leg and the wall - literally wedging it between them. Instinctively I curled my legs back under my seat so she wasn't touching me.

"Ahh, I like to put my foot on the heater. I have to take these pills. So many pills. I should check my battery. Yep my phone needs to be charged. These ones are for an infection that doesn't seem to want to heal. Boy it's cold outside. I like to sleep on the train. The government wants me to be fresh for my job. I hope I'm not disturbing you."

And so there I sat with this stupid half-grin on my face pretending to be working on my laptop, careful to not say a word in fear that she would REALLY start blathering on. This went on for another 2 or 3 minutes until as if on cue, she put on her Cybill Shepherd sunglasses, leaned back against the headrest and went to sleep, which of course only made it look like she was staring at me for the next 45 minutes.

I don't know why she chose to sit across from me. Maybe I looked friendly. Or maybe she realized the train would be full by the time we got to Fridley and she thought it would be better to sit with somebody she approved of right away rather than take her chances with someone else later. You know, someone who might possibly judge her or make fun of her. Or blog about her.

TRAIN BLOGGING 2010

9 comments:

Junk Drawer Kathy said...

OMG. I instinctively pulled my legs under after reading this. I deem you a weirdo magnet. You do have that friendly look about you.

I suggest you freakify yourself somehow so that you're the one no one wants to sit next to. Do this until there are no more stops left. Then you can normalize yourself for the rest of the trip. Might I suggest you wear Groucho Marx glasses, complete with mustache, or maybe a simple clown nose? At the very least, you should have out-loud arguments with yourself. And maybe twitch now and then for effect.

Carry on.

Jeff said...

Kathy - Good advice, but unfortunately that doesn't help. I routinely ride with a clown nose and Groucho glasses, not because I'm trying to repel the weirdos but because I enjoy it, and they still sit with me!

bon bon said...

have a big lapel pin made that reads "warning: your actions may be deemed blog worthy!"

...although these days, with everyone demanding their 15 minutes, you could be setting yourself up to be a "dancing with nobody" judge.

(ok, now i see this going viral. carry a recorder.)

Mom Thumb said...

I used to ride the bus in Tucson, years ago, and I seemed to always attract the freaks. They would plop into the seat next to me when the bus was almost empty. WTH?

Maureen said...

Oh if she only knew.....

I would have packed up and chosen another seat.

Okay. I lie. I probably would have done EXACTLY what you did and sat there.

I am only brave in my mind.

Not that you're not brave... ahem. You're just too nice.

Mother Theresa said...

I think you need to wear a T-shirt that says, "I have a blog, and I'm not afraid to use it!" But then again, maybe she sat next to you because she sensed that you have a blog and thought that if she acted weird enough, she might just get to be in it.

Bella @ If This is Motherhood said...

I just discovered your blog. Funny Stuff. I am following you. Happy Holidays!

Anonymous said...

Well, has she been back?

Anonymous said...

No more remarks about the train lady if they end up on Rosey's blog!