Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Talk about getting it ass backwards

This is an absolutely true story, and it absolutely happened to me this morning

I had been in the conference for 3 1/2 hours before they finally called lunch break, and I desperately needed to "go," if you know what I mean. And to make matters worse, I had already commuted 2 hours prior to that - so it was time.  I was ready.

I was the first one out of the meeting room and into the bathroom, just ahead of the 10 or so other guys behind me. I knew if I didn't make a move I would have to wait in line and that was NOT an option at this point. So I saddled up to one of two urinals, unzipped my pants and prepared to do my business... except that my business was not available. What the hell? Why can I not find the opening? Sonofabitch I'm gonna pee my pants if I don't get this party started!

And then I suddenly realized 3 things:
1. For the better part of a minute I had been squirming around in front of the urinal and doing what I can only imagine to look like from behind to be playing with myself
2. There was a line of guys behind me waiting for me and watching me
3. I had somehow put my boxers on backwards this morning

At this point the only thing I could think of was to stop wiggling, move in, and pretend I was relieving myself like a "normal" person. The only other option I had was to unbutton my pants and pull them down around my thighs like a 5 year old boy. And let's face it... that would have been embarrassing.


Junk Drawer Kathy said...

Honestly, Jeff, I don't know how you walk around with that thing, nor do I understand how you can go in front of others. I have known only privacy in my life. You know, doors when your pants are down. This is the one area where I think men have it hard and women are in pee heaven. That sounds gross, but you know what I mean.

p.s. In all these years of knowing you, I'm glad we now know the answer to "boxers or briefs?"

Jeff said...

Ha Kathy... a urinal is nothing compared to the stadium trough. Imagine standing shoulder to shoulder, foot to foot with 30 other guys. Then throw in some backsplash just for fun. Compared to that, a urinal is practically private.

Lovelyn said...

Man really do have it bad. I had to try to pee in front of other people once -- it's a long story -- and couldn't. I had to pee so bad too my eyes were floating and I still just couldn't do it. If I were a man I'd never be able to use a public bathroom.

Theresa B (of Nebulopathy) said...

If they have a meeting that long without any breaks you're legally allowed to call in a bomb threat to evacuate the building.

(You might want to check with a lawyer first, but I'm pretty sure about it...)

William Lee said...

Obviously you have to attach motorman to your leg. That way you can smile as you sit through a three hour office meeting, and you never have to unzip. Dad

javediqbal said...
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Anonymous said...

So. What happened with the three ladies from the Gabe Garland band?

Will said...

That is funny

Daniel said...

Next time bring a bottle with you :)