Best of '07

Every year around this time you'll start to see and hear the media do the same thing - recap the previous year with a "best of" series of some sort, and bloggers are no different.

As a blogger, I've had a wonderful year. I've "met" a TON of new friends, read some amazing blogs and (hopefully) wrote a few entertaining pieces myself. Of course humor is subjective so I can only speak for myself, but I did write a few posts this year that I'm happy with and I think worth a chuckle.

So, I thought it would be fun - not unique - but fun to list my favorite pieces from 2007. And, seeing as how I have several new readers who may not have read these either, this might be a good chance to introduce my work to them as well.

Therefore, in chronological order, here's what I'll call my top 10 favorite posts from 2007:

1. Fun With Translation - Find out what a Dutch writer had to say about my blog - AFTER I translated and reinterpreted it.

2. A Parent's Guide to Conferences - Experience a joyous night with my wife and I as we attend our teenagers' high school conferences. Not.

3. Poop - with Class - Apparently nothing is sacred as Oprah and Dr. Oz delve into the details of the wonderful world of... you guessed it... POOP!

4. The Price of Fame - Hollywood celebrities aren't the only ones hounded by fans. See how I have to deal with a becoming a local celebrity... IN THE MEN'S ROOM!

5. Mission: Melon - Retuning a gaggle of unwanted watermelons is not as easy as it sounds!

6. :Advertisement: - See an ad for a new product you will NOT want to do without.

7. My Stance on Larry Craig - In my first foray into investigative journalism, I uncover the smoking gun that will surely get Larry caught with his pants down.

8. Lord of the Fudge - What I thought was a tasty treat was more than I bargained for.

9 . Ten Questions with Jeff - Who would be weird enough to interview himself? Um, yeah - that would be me.

10. Silence is Golden and Noises Support Group Minutes - This is a 2-fer from when Kathy and I teamed up to reveal annoying noises that apparently struck a nerve with MANY more people than us.

So there you have it, my favorite stories of '07.

AND, as an added confirmation that I must be doing something right, my new friend DrowseyMonkey just sent me this awesome "Cool and Crazy" blog award. This award comes attached with these flattering accolades:

"It is intended to be a sign that says: this blog is cool & crazy, and the blog owner is not afraid to admit it. They are running their blogs to be a true reflection of their own personality and they stick to it. They are providing an atmosphere that makes their visitors feel welcome as members of their blogs’ community. They manage to use the right tone of voice, write about an inspiring choice of subjects and treat their visitors and their fellow bloggers as friends. And they all do that without taking themselves or their blogs too serious, in spite of all the time and the crazy hard work they put into it.”

Thanks DrowseyMonkey! I'll hang it right here along with my other award on my wall of honor!


SO - If I don't see you before then...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

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Noises Support Group Minutes - MN Chapter

DATE: Week of November 4, 2007

LOCATION: View From The Cloud - in the soundproof comments section of the Silence is Golden post.

CALL TO ORDER: Support group chairperson Jeff Lee

ROLL CALL: Jeff, Kathy, Heather, Peter, Leo, Mooselet, Avery, Jennine, Gale, Charli, Carla, Whit, Julie, Yello, Royce, VE, Linda, Rick, Andi, Signs&Wonders, Lois, Neva, Bill, Sandy, Caron, Elizabeth, Betty

COMMENTS: As chairperson of the MN chapter of our new support group for noises that irritate us, I would like to thank you all for joining us this week. I feel we had a very productive first meeting and am looking forward to "hearing" from all of you again in the future.

NEW BUSINESS:
1) New group name - Several ideas were suggested regarding the name of our new support group. Some of these were:
- P.A.I.N. (People Annoyed with Incessant Noise)
- Sounds without Bounds
- S.L.A.P. (Sounds Leading to Aggravated People)
- Noise without Joys
- H.U.S.H. (Having Unusually Sensitive Hearing)

Thank you for these submissions. These and others will be taken up for advisement and a vote will be held at our next meeting. In the meantime, please feel free to submit additional ideas to the suggestion box at this time.

2) Noise issues identified - One of the main missions of our support group is to embrace a concept known as "healing through revealing." The idea behind this is that you reveal your noise irritations to the group and by doing so - you take the first step toward an annoyance-free lifestyle. Here are the noises we identified as irritants as a group:
.computer fan
.florescent light buzz
.whining kids
.upstairs shower
.analog clock "tick tock"
.ceiling fan
.loud neighbor at night
.sitcom laugh track
.audio feedback
.glove-box squeak
.halogen lamp buzz
.dripping water tap
.cell phone interference with computer
.barking dogs at night or any small dog in general
.Kookaburras
.drink slurping
.banging bedroom door
.blaring TV
.squeaking brakes
.dishwasher
.husband's alarm clock
.chewing or crunching
.refrigerator door seal when opened
.the parrot from hell
."Mommmm!"
.Karen's voice (from Will and Grace)
.someone eating a banana
.TV hum
.peacock screams
.guy on the radio yelling prices on car/truck ads
.car "bong" sound when door is open
.bathroom fan
.ticking watch
.paper shredder
.quiz show soundtracks
.chair legs screeching across a wooden floor
.hotdish ingredients being stirred
.husband's snoring
.breathing dog's wheezing

As you can see, many "unique" audio issues were revealed. Please do not be discouraged that collectively, we are but one errant sound away from wearing coats with extra long sleeves. This has been a very substantial first step for our group and for you. However, we obviously have a lot of healing to do, so let's all make sure to come right back again so we can get started.

NEXT MEETING: Our next meeting date has not been determined at this time, but a memo will be sent in the near future. In the meantime, I would like to offer a few suggestions for you to consider in preparation of our next gathering.
1. Please remember to turn your off your cell phone. I think everyone agrees that VE's repeated ringtone interruption of "Like a Virgin" violated our most basic edict.

2. Also, please remember to clear your throat if your voice starts to make that "gurgally" sound when you're speaking. But most importantly - DO NOT KEEP TALKING(!) unless you suddenly want 25 people involuntarily clearing their own throats in a futile attempt to get you to fix yours. I know it wasn't brought up as an irritant at our meeting but I feel I need to add it now.

3. Finally, for Jennine and Charli's sake, I would like to ask that you don't bring gum or snacks. Bill, unfortunately, seemed unable to speak without first tossing a handful of peanuts into his mouth - and none of us really needed to witness that.

MOTION TO ADJOURN: 9:00 p.m. (gavel was NOT slammed by request)

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Silence is Golden

When Kathy made mention in a recent post of her supersonic ability to hear irritating sounds that are normally only detectable by dogs or Jaime Sommers, I knew immediately that I wanted to team up with her and co-write a post that shared our neurosis.

Like Kathy, I too am easily bothered by an odd variety of sounds that would typically go unnoticed by normal people. "Normal" of course being those of you who don't think the sound of the blinker in your car is stressful.

I figured misery loves company so why not share the pain - which is exactly what we did. So as a bonus, click here to see Kathy's hysterical companion story at her place. It goes quite nicely with my post here below.

So that being said, here is my short list of sounds I could personally do without:

Computer fans - Most people don't even realize they're humming, but to me they sound like F14s taking off from an aircraft carrier.

Florescent lights - Anyone who remembers the Tom Hanks movie Joe VS the Volcano will know what I'm talking about here. Early on in the movie he was working in an office where his overhead lights were buzzing and flickering and generally making him sick. Now, whenever one of the bulbs in my office starts to buzz I immediately have to run out to the storeroom and get a new one.

Whining kids - I don't know, does this one really need to be explained? Let's just say I have about a .2-second tolerance level.

The shower upstairs - I know the sound of our upstairs shower shouldn't bother me, but ever since my teenagers have begun taking 40 minute showers (at a rate I've estimated to be approximately $100/hr) I am now tuned in the very minute I hear the squeak of the faucet. And for every minute I hear water running beyond 10 minutes, my stress level increases proportionately.

Analog clocks - I've had to remove all clocks from my house that make an actual "tick tock" sound, because to a musician this is the exact same thing as having a 60 bpm metronome running all day long - which is just too much.

Ceiling fans - Even though it may be 100 degrees in our bedroom in the summer, I only turn on the overhead ceiling fan when it's absolutely necessary, because like the clock, our fan makes a "tick" sound with every rotation that I can't seem to fix. And trust me - I've tried.

Our neighbor - The guy who lives across the street from me works alternate hours than the rest of humanity, so several times a week I'll wake up at 2:00 in the morning to the sound of skill saws or hammering. Yeah I know - WTF?!!!

Sitcom laugh tracks - Like most people I love the sound of laughter. It's happy and energizing and by nature should lift your spirits. But natural laugher is a very different thing than the kind of canned laughter you'll find in TV sitcoms. For whatever reason this gets on my nerves. And not only am I acutely aware of it, but I can also identify the 4 basic loops they use:
- the low mumble/snicker (not quite funny enough for a full-blown laugh)
- the short burst (unexpected punchline)
- the long sustained rumble (supports an extended gag of up to several seconds)
- the loud hysterical outburst (featuring one woman with a high, nasally cackle)

High frequency audio feedback - I'm sure this is very common among musicians and sound engineers, but I can detect the presence of an 8k or higher feedback when most people aren't even aware it exists. And like many of Kathy's audio superpowers, this one has become a curse.

The good news is, Kathy and I have started a support group for people like us who are unnaturally bothered by sounds, and you are welcome to join as well. In fact, all you have to do to enroll is leave a comment with one or more noises that drive you nuts and you're automatically a member.

Meetings will be held on Wednesday evenings in a soundproof booth.

(Don't forget to stop over to Kathy's place and read her story!)

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Ten Questions with Jeff

Well well well, whatta ya know. One day you're contemplating starting a blog and the next day you're celebrating your 2 year anniversary. Ain't it funny how that works. I guess as the old frog says, "Time's fun when you're having flies!"

Thank you all so much for stopping by the last few days and saying all the nice things you said. It really does mean a lot to me that all of you comment so frequently and tell me you enjoy what I write. Trust me... this blog wouldn't have lasted 5 days if I felt like people didn't like my writing. I'm way too insecure for that. Fortunately, in the last 2 years I have only received one negative comment, and that one didn't even make much sense. Of course when the most controversial thing you write about is goldfish, you don't tend to draw a lot of opposition.

Anyway, I thought the best way to fully understand what these last 2 years have meant to me, was to have someone conduct an interview with me, you know - to find out a little more about the guy peering over the cloud.

And who better to do that than... me!

So then, here are 10 questions I've asked myself.

#1

Sup.





Not much, sup with you?

#2

Aren't you worried that people will think you're weird for interviewing yourself?


No, I don't have those kinds of hangups. I have completely different hangups, such as being worried that people will see me singing in my car. You'd think it wouldn't bother me but it does. And if I really must sing while I'm sitting at a stop light for example, I'll actually do it through clenched teeth.

#3

What have you learned about blogging after 2 years?



That there are tons of amazingly cool people out there doing the same thing who I'm proud to call my friends.

#4

What can we expect from View From The Cloud over the next year?



I'm thinking about switching from writing a family/humor blog to writing exclusively about potatoes. I'll write about growing them, cooking them and dressing them up with little eyes, noses and mouths. I think you'll really like it.

#5

Name an advantage and disadvantage of being 6'4".



Advantage... I can sit in front of small children at movie theaters so they can't see. It serves them right for being so little, and it really makes me feel superior.
Disadvantage... The fabric on the roof of my Geo Prism is starting to come loose and it hits my hair and drives me insane.

#6

How did you end up with such cool kids when you're such a dork?



Easy. My kids do everything possible to not be like me. This automatically makes them cool.

#7

What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?


What do you mean? African or European?

#8

What first inspired you to blog?



I had done a Google search for something about stripping paint (probably related to our steps from hell) and I found a hysterical story a blogger had written about painting her bathroom. Until that point I had never even realized that regular people were out there writing great stuff in these things call blogs. After reading her entire archive history, I thought, "hey I could do this" and View From The Cloud was born.

#9

Did you ever leave a comment or contact her?



Ya, you could say that. At first I left a few comments. Then I started sending her emails and asking her questions about blogging. In the beginning she was very polite and graciously answered my questions. But I think when I asked her if I could come to her house to watch her write for a few days she got a little creeped out, and suddenly stopped replying to my emails. Hey - I just wanted to make sure I was properly trained before I started blogging "live." I'm sure many other people have requested the same thing.

#10

When are The Receders going to finally put out a CD?



Damn good question. I honestly don't know what the hangup is. I mean, we already have about a dozen great songs ready to go. All we need to do is book some studio time, coordinate a schedule that allows the 4 of us to get together several times for several hours each session within a relatively close timeframe, and put out a CD.

Uh, yeah - on second thought...

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Lord of the Fudge

I've mentioned a few times before that my wife Charli owns a successful scrapbooking retreat business.

One of the perks of coming to her place is that she serves you decadent deserts after your meals. The other day, after her guests had finished their lunch on our deck outside in the beautiful sunshine, she promptly served them gooey fudge brownies drizzled in warm caramel.

A short while after they were done eating and back inside at their tables, I came home from whatever it was I was doing, and noticed the plate of leftover brownies sitting on our kitchen counter. Not being one to pass up a chance to sneak a treat, I quickly snapped up a small square and popped it in my mouth. It was freakin delicious.

No sooner had I swallowed my last chew when Charli comes walking in the back door, takes one look at the plate, looks at me and says, "Uh, you didn't eat one of those did you?"

me: "Uh, yeah. Why?"

C: "So you actually put it in your mouth?"

me: "Ya."

C: "And you swallowed it and everything?"

me: "Yes, yes - I ate it and swallowed it and everything. Why, what's the problem?"

C: "Oh. Well, maybe it would be better if I just didn't tell you."

me: "Are you serious? What, did they fall on the floor? Big deal, that won't kill me."

C: "Nevermind."

me: "Oh for Pete's sake, just tell me. I'm not that squeamish."

C: "Well, after everyone was gone, the brownies sat there on the table outside in the sun. By the time I was able to get to them, the flies had gotten themselves stuck in the gooey caramel and I had to flick them off with a fork before I could bring the plate into the house."

me: *

C: "So anyway, maybe next time you should ask before you steal something you're not supposed to be eating in the first place."

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My stance on Larry Craig

If you're ever driving through the Cities and need to stop for a bathroom break near Maple Grove, my advice is to stop at the Burger King instead of the I94 rest stop - because "have it your way" means something totally different there.

This is because this rest stop just north of Minneapolis has been closed several times due to complaints that patrons are walking in on men having sex in the stalls. I know, yuk.

So, because I've been hearing about this stupid rest stop for years, I wasn't the least bit surprised when the story about Larry Craig at the Minneapolis airport first broke over the news. I figured he was just another stall-baller and laughed it off as someone who is getting what he deserved.

But when the details of why he was arrested came out I was less convinced. Tapping his foot is certainly no crime, I (used to) do that all the time when I use the bathroom. Rubbing your hand under the stall wall is disgusting, but not illegal. And "accidentally" bumping your foot against someone else's seems odd, but again - no crime that I'm aware of.

So after hearing the facts of the arrest I was undecided. I'm sure the arresting officer is very skilled in his knowledge of gay sex signals, but I can't say that a jury would deliver a verdict of "guilty" based solely on this flimsy evidence.

But still, something seemed odd to me about this case and I couldn't figure out what it was.

Larry Craig, of course, claimed that he uses a "wide stance" when going to the bathroom - but that doesn't make sense to me. I mean who sits on a toilet and spreads his legs so far apart that they can accidentally bump the guy's foot in the next stall? That's a pretty wide stance all right.

So yesterday, as I was sitting in the stall of the bathroom of our office building, I decided to "reenact" the whole wide stance thing just to see if I could get some perspective on how someone could sit like that.

And then... I realized something strange.

Larry Craig's explanation that he uses a "wide stance" is crap! How do I know this? Because when I tried it, this is what I found:

1. If you put your pants down around your ankles, your legs are prevented from spreading any further apart than the width of your pants.

2. If you keep your pants up around your knees - same thing.

3. The only way you can obtain a "wide stance" is if your pants are still up around your waist, or you completely take your pants off - which I highly doubt Craig did.

Therefore... this begs the question: Why else would someone sit on a toilet fully dressed and spread his legs so far apart that they can rub the guy's foot in the next stall? If you're not in there to "do your business," then why else are you in there?

Now when you add the foot tapping and the hand rubbing to the foot bumping from a fully clothed guy sitting on the toilet next to you, you get a much more compelling argument.

And here is someone else's letter that supports my theory as well.

We know what stance Craig said he took. Now I guess we'll just have to wait and see what stance the jury takes.

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:ADVERTISEMENT:

Attention Fellow Flatulators!!!

Have you ever wished you could let'r rip anywhere you wanted but were too embarrassed by the smell to even consider it?

We know - containing such a natural bodily function is not always easy. OR comfortable! But let's face it, who needs the shame of the smell?

Did you know it's a scientific fact that the only reason you can actually smell something is because microscopic particles of that "thing" are in the air?

So how do you stop the smell?

BY STOPPING THE PARTICLES!

That's right. And now, direct from the makers of Shop Vac, we are proud to offer Hepa-Pants ® - the first odor stopping undergarment in the world!
Now thanks to the same technology used in high-tech laboratories and health care facilities worldwide, we have created an undergarment designed to catch flying feces BEFORE it exits your pants and makes its way to other people's tongues and noses! With the ability to remove 99.97% of airborne particles, you can rest assured that no smell will escape from your Hepa-Pants ®

Imagine the freedom you'll feel to be able to "release" your troubles without the embarrassment of having to worry about how it smells. Whether you're on a plane, in a church or at a crowded concert, you'll no longer need to be a disruption to everyone else. Simply "let it go" and enjoy the show.

And - if you accidentally "toot" in the process, you'll have nothing to be ashamed of. Just look your neighbor in the eye and explain with confidence, "No need to worry. I'm wearing Hepa-Pants!"

Hepa-Pants ® - When it comes to embarrassing flatulence -
Let us cover your ass!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

* For greater protection against extremely foul odors, use our optional extreme-duty charcoal inserts

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Misson: Melon

Normally it's pretty easy to return something to a retail store.

Unless you're trying to return used underwear, all you should have to do is show them a valid receipt, provide a lame excuse for your dissatisfaction ("Um, like this toaster gives me a totally negative vibe?") and *ka-ching* - money will be magically absorbed through the laminate right back into your credit card.

But for some reason, most people are less comfortable returning something to a grocery store. But even then, as long as the goods are in unopened containers such as boxes, bags or oil barrels - the store should gladly accept your rejected items with a smile.

HOWEVER... how many people have the mettle to attempt to return day-old produce? Huh? Huh?... I thought so.

Of course this begs the obvious question, Why would anyone need to return produce???

Oh, I'm not talking about the head of lettuce that has transformed itself into a ball of toxic brown sewer sludge between the store and your driveway. I'm talking about completely fresh, perfectly good watermelons. Six of them to be exact.

And of course this begs the next most obvious question, Why would anyone buy six watermelons and decide they don't need them the next day???

Ok, quit begging. I'll explain...

My wife and I catered an event yesterday that needed six watermelons, so I was sent to purchase said fruit. However - due to a communication malfunction of undetermined culpability, I purchased regular watermelons with seeds instead of the seedless variety that were requested by the client. Hence the need for the return.

So, after loading up the melon truck and headin down to the market, I had the good fortune of standing in line at the Cub Foods customer service counter to await my flogging.

Ten minutes later I was being barely tolerated by Barb - a tired customer service pod person who had just gotten back from having an apathy shake and a cigarette for lunch.

Barb: I'm sorry sir, but we can't accept perishable goods for return.

Me: Oh, this is different. These puppies were stored in a special melon-containing unit specifically designed by NASA to prevent watermelons from aging overnight.

Barb: Uh-huh. I'm gonna need to get the manager.

Several minutes later I was met by an over-eager junior drill sergeant whose sole responsibility is apparently to prevent illegal produce returns. I'm pretty sure it would have been easier getting out of Turkey with an expired passport than getting past "Carl" the melon inspector.

Seriously. The whole time he interrogated me he looked directly into my eyes, as if to determine if I was lying or not. Then, and I'm not making this up, he asked me where I had stored them last night. After explaining that they had been in my air conditioned house (a lie, they were actually in my car) - he literally picked one up and fondled it in an attempt to determine the core temperature of the melon's melonage.

"Well," he squinted with suspicion, "we don't normally accept produce as returns. But in this case everything checks out. Barb - give him the credit!"

And with that he turned on his heels and quickly headed up the stairs, back to his one way glass command center where he could zoom the hidden camera on my pupils so as to record the sincerity of my response for later analysis.

It's just a good thing he doesn't take his job too seriously.

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The Price of Fame

I've mentioned this before, but I have a very serious hangup about going to the bathroom in a public restroom. Specifically to... well, you can read about it here. But sometimes you simply don't have a choice, and you have to answer nature's call.

So yesterday this guy in our office building follows me into the bathroom. Most of the time if something like this happens when I'm on a "serious mission", I simply walk over to the sink and act like I just came in to wash my hands. Other times, if the guy is headed toward the urinal - I'll go in the stall, sit down, and wait him out. But yesterday... well let's just say I really had to go and it didn't matter why he was coming in. This time I had no choice.

So - imagine my horror when I sit down to do my business and all of I sudden I hear this...

"Hey! I saw you in the paper yesterday - on the FRONT PAGE! Good job!"

Me: (~uhnnn~) Um, yeah thanks.

Him: Yeah, it was weird. I saw your picture at breakfast yesterday and was like "Hey honey, lookit here. This guy works in the office downstairs in our building!"

Me: (~grunt~) Uh huh.

Him: So, what is it that you do again? You write a newspaper column or something?

Me: Uh, yeah. (~toot~) Something like that.

Him: Wow, that's cool. Well good luck with that. See ya later!

Me: Yeah, thanks.

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: Good grief.

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Poop - with class

Sometimes I want to write about poop.

Sometimes I wish I could describe when I was a toddler and I used to make my mom come in and look at it before I could flush it. Or when I was in grade school and used to sit on the toilet talking to my friend for like a half hour while I did my business. Or when I was a teenager and... uh, nevermind - I'm about to say too much.

So anyway, sometimes I wish I could write about these things.

But writing about poop would come off as unsophisticated and sophomoric, and most likely gross and disgusting. And would most certainly destroy my credibility as a serious blogger.

But wait! Suppose the single classiest person on the planet was to write about poop. And in great detail. Then, wouldn't that make it ok for the rest of us to write about it?

Well, guess what? Whilst following one of my Google searches about "poop" back to see what that particular person was really trying to find, I stumbled on a related story by none other than the Queen of Class herself...

Oprah!

Hallelujah - my door has been opened!!!

This is indeed good news for me. I am now free to pump out poop posts to my heart's delight!

But sometimes if you're lucky, you don't have to actually write a blog post at all. Sometimes, somebody else does it for you. Then, all you have to do is go get it and bring it back like a gift for your friends to unwrap and enjoy.

This my friends is one of those times!

(From Oprah.com)

Enjoy.

Everybody Poops When it comes to figuring out if you're digesting things properly and eating healthy, Dr. Mehmet Oz says that you should rely on your senses in the bathroom. For starters, have you ever thought about the importance of what your bowel movement sounds like when it hits the water? Listen up! "You want to hear what the stool, the poop, sounds like when it hits the water. If it sounds like a bombardier, you know, 'plop, plop, plop,' that's not right because it means you're constipated. It means the food is too hard by the time it comes out. It should hit the water like a diver from Acapulco hits the water [swoosh]." The next thing Dr. Oz recommends is looking at your stool—c'mon, you've done it before! You should look twice—look at the shape and then, the color. "It should be an S shape and you want to make sure the color's normal because the color of the poop tells you a lot about how you made it," Dr. Oz says. "You don't want [pieces]. Food is a medicine for you. It helps you. [If the stool is in pieces] by the time you finished digesting your food, you don't have enough of it left to poop out in the right way and probably it's hurt the colon that has to process it. At the end of the day you can analyze your body really effectively by looking at what comes out of your body."

WTF?!!!

"If it sounds like a bombardier, you know, 'plop, plop, plop,'..."

Seriously???

"It should be an S shape..."

You know, try as I might, I can't seem to make mine do that. I did squeeze out a nice "C" the other day though - does that count? Maybe if I strapped a Play-doh Fun Factory to my butt.

But hold on... there's more!

Let's see what a few of her friends have to say about their fecal experiences.

Everybody Poops Susan (left), a busy, working mother of three children, says that she struggles with constipation—sometimes only going to the bathroom once every five days. She admits to not getting enough water, instead opting for eight cans of diet soda a day. She also says she likes to eat a lot of cookies and chips, but doesn't get enough fruits and vegetables. Maureen (right), a mother of four children, says that her health is the last thing on her mind. She suffers from diarrhea, hemorrhoids and constipation. "My hemorrhoids feel so bad that it's like grapes hanging out of my rear," she says. "Sometimes they hurt so bad, I can't get out of bed for two days." Maureen admits to eating too much fast food, and not getting enough fiber and water in her diet. On top of suggesting to Susan and Maureen to change their diets, Dr. Oz says that Susan and Maureen need to pass gas more often and not be ashamed—we all need to! Dr. Oz says that the average person passes gas 14 times a day—and less than one percent of it actually smells. He says it's so important that we start creating a "no embarrassment zone"—we need to pass this much gas!

Let's see... Susan admits to not getting enough fruit in her diet, and Maureen has grapes hanging out of her ass. I see a win-win situation here!

Oh, and let's all thank Dr. Oz for suggesting that we should all pass gas more often - WITHOUT SHAME! I couldn't agree more. In fact I've got my "no embarrassment zone" all around me at this very moment.

Ahh - I must say, this certainly has been fun. And no, I didn't make this up.

Some things you just can't make up.

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A Parent's Guide to Conferences

Last night my wife and I attended our boys' highschool mid-term conferences.

I took notes. I figured why keep all of this valuable knowledge to myself when you might be able to benefit from our experience.

You're welcome!

So, if you haven't had the pleasure of attending a highschool conference, here's is one possible outcome:

1. Wait in line outside the teacher's room for 30-45 minutes while making witty but transparently painful remarks about your son's grades with the other parents who are suffering a similar fate.

2. Apologize to the teacher at the beginning of the meeting in advance of the pending conversation and explain that your child was conceived too close to a nuclear power plant so whatever you're going to tell us about him isn't our fault.

3. Hide your face in your hands as the teacher describes how your son is missing 12 math assignments and is currently at an F-, but would be receiving a healthy D- if he had only shown his work on the homework he did turn in.

4. Resist pulling out your checkbook to write the teacher a bribe "donation to the lab" with *wink* "no strings attached."

5. Repeat steps 1-4 with the next 3 teachers.

6. Repeat steps 1-5 with the next son.

7. Tell your boys a grim story about a guy you know in prison who claims he wouldn't be there today if he had only shown his work in math.

8. Listen as your boys explain how they're NOT missing ANY assignments in ANY class and that their teachers must be losing their homework. Listen some more as your boys explain that they can easily pull their grades up to an A+++ by the time report cards come out because they plan on doing an extra credit worksheet.

9. Take the boys home and drop them off at the house, but immediately back out of the driveway, head to the martini bar, and reminisce about the days when the biggest problem you had with them in school was the fact they wouldn't eat hot lunch on "Yankee Stew" day.

10. Slowly melt into a warm apple-cinnamon martini buzz and laugh selfishly as you realize that you only have 7½ more years until your youngest turns 18.

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Fun With Translation

A few weeks ago I was looking through my blog stats and I noticed several people had been visiting me from the Scandinavian region - specifically Denmark. So I clicked on the reference link and it took me here (see his reference to Harmonica Man at the bottom of the page). He was writing in reference to this post I wrote back in October about how I manage my cholesterol. The only problem was, it was written in Danish! (or so I think)

Since the only thing I can do with Danish is put butter on them and eat them (the sweet rolls, not the people) I obviously couldn't read what my friend Gid had to say about Harmonica Man's tale. So, I did what any English-speaking monolingual American would do - I copied and pasted his entry into Yahoo's Babel Fish translator. Here is what he said:


His original entry in Danish:

Neemt u gerust wat pillen dan hoef ik niet te denken Het verhaal dat Harmonica Man vandaag op z'n blog publiceerde, illustreert wat heel veel mensen met hoge cholesterolwaarden meemaken als ze de resultaten van een test bij hun arts te horen krijgen: vlot aan de Lipitor.En ik ben er ook zeker van dat de meeste mensen dat een perfecte oplossing vinden. Een pil is een stuk makkelijker dan wat meer beweging of drastische wijzigingen in hun dieet. Ik moest even terugdenken aan wat ik destijds te horen kreeg en mijn reactie was eigenlijk helemaal dezelfde als die van H.M., alleen was bij mij het vette eten wat beter zichtbaar aan de buitenkant :-)

Yahoo's translation of his post:

You take rested what pills then I have not to think The tale that Harmonica published Man on his blog today, illustrates what a lot of people with high cholesterol values experience if them the results of a test to their doctor get to belong: smoothly to the Lipitor. and I am of it also certainly that most of the people that find a perfect solution. A pill is a piece easier than what more movement or drastic modifications in their diet. I had think back just as to what hear I then got and my response was in fact entirely the same such as those of H.M., only fat at me eating was what better visible to the outside: -)

And finally, my translation of Yahoo's translation of his post:

I think you can stop taking the pills The tale that Harmonica Man published on his blog today, illustrates what a lot of people with high cholesterol values experience when they receive the results of a test from their doctor: quick with the Lipitor. This is what I experienced as well and am certain that most people find this the perfect solution. A pill is much easier than exercise or drastic modifications in the diet. When I think back on what I heard then, my doctor’s response was in fact entirely the same as those of H.M, only the fat from my eating was more visible on the outside: -)

Aha! The secret message has been decoded. And so just what is Gid saying here?

Basically he is confirming that doctors give lazy advice about high cholesterol no matter where you live, and - people are generally happy to simply take the pills and run.

Maybe I should subscribe to the philosophy of "take the pills and eat what you want"...

because them danish are looking mighty tasty!

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