"Bill-isms" - Green Bananas Edition

This weekend we celebrated my dad's 80th birthday.

Bill is somewhat famous on this blog for being the good-spirited source of several of my favorite posts, the ones you'll find in my sidebar under MY PARENTS called "Bill-isms." I encourage you to flip through these real quick if you haven't seen them before. They pretty much capture who Bill really is through his own "words of wisdom" he has bestowed upon us over the years.

This weekend was no exception. As we chided him about being 80, he immediately fired back his favorite joke about the last time he went to the doctor. "...and when I asked the doctor how I was doing he said, 'Well... I wouldn't buy any green bananas if I were you.'"

I doubt that I've captured all of the known Billisms, but here's a few more I've collected since the last time I posted a set:

"Just remember - you can shut the mouth of a friend, but the mouth of an enemy remains a waggling tongue forever"
Bill likes to remind you to rethink your decision with this saying any time you're about to stick it to someone.

"One thing people would rather give than receive is advice"
The single most ironic thing Bill can possibly say to you.

"Why are you hitting your toe with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."
Just hurt yourself or have a headache? Bill will offer up this dumb joke as his idea of comic relief.

"Expanding gas takes on heat"
Bill will remind you of this any time the topic of refrigeration comes up. If this principle is true, however, then Bill must be one pretty hot guy - because he always seems to be a little expanded with gas.

We had a lot of fun at his party. All of his children and eight grandchildren were there to share good food, stories and this unique strawberry shortcake construction project.

Lookit here, I'm wearing Charlie Sheen's shirt!

His gift from the four of us kids was a one-year service plan to Clearwire, a high-speed wireless internet provider and much needed upgrade from the dialup plan he had been using. In fact, his dialup was so slow and unstable that he frequently wasn't able to even access my blog or your comments. That's just wrong.

Earlier in the day, before we told him about his new wireless plan, I got the opportunity to slip in an old-age jab of my own - because it's just so fun to tease the seniors. While I was sitting at his computer I was complaining about the fact it took 10 minutes to connect to the internet. But when Bill told me "Oh, you get use to it" I had no choice but to reply, "Dad - you don't have this kind of time!"
We laughed, we cried.

Anyway, on August 1st this old fine man will turn 80. And if his Bill-isms don't tell you enough about who he is, let me add this additional description...

Bill is the single most selfless, generous, kind and helpful person you will ever meet.

So with that being said, help me give Bill the big shoutout he deserves...

Happy Birthday Bill!!!

"Bill-isms" - Part V

My dad's name is Bill.

Over the past year, I have posted several sets of classic sayings my dad is so famous for - at least among the people who know him. Fortunately it's really easy to get to know him. All you have to do is read through the list of the other Bill-isms in my sidebar, as they represent about 90% of the things you'll hear him say on a regular basis.

Over the last year I thought I had remembered all of the known Bill-isms, but like fossils in the mud, more are still being discovered. Last weekend my friends and I put our collective heads together and unearthed these gems:

Bill-isms: Part V

"Higher than a Nazi spy"
Bill's favorite way to indicate someone is stoned or drunk. I'm not actually sure what this even means.

"Didn't know if he was on foot or horseback"
Another variation of the one above. It may be dumb, but at least it makes sense. Kind of.

"Why do they put fences up around cemeteries?"
EVERY time you pass a graveyard Bill has to fire off this old joke. The punchline?
Because everyone is dying to get in!

"A short pencil is better than a long memory"
Whatever you do, do NOT tell Bill you have forgotten something - because he will NOT forget to say this.

"Measure twice cut once"
This may be a classic carpenter's adage, but Bill now has the rights to it. If you say something 1 million times then it's yours. It's that simple.

"Play something you know!"
This one has a personal sting to it that dates back to my teen years. This was always Bill's first response anytime he would hear my friends and I play a song in one of our bands - no matter how well we performed it. For some reason I never found this one funny.

"He swears like a one-eyed carpenter"
On the other hand, I always thought this one was funny.

"You can't take it with you"
...to the afterlife that is. Bill's reminder to all of us not to be too greedy. And to his credit - Bill is, and always has been, one of the most generous and giving people I have ever met.

I learned my lesson months ago not to say this will be the last set of Bill-isms. So until next time!

"Bill-isms" - Part IV

My dad's name is Bill.

For any of you who weren't around when I first began publishing them, Bill-isms are little sayings and quotes my dad says on an all too-frequent basis (you can find the history of Bill-isms in the "MY PARENTS" drop-down box in my sidebar). None of these are actually funny in a "ha ha" kind of way, but are funny to those of us who know Bill - much like the way it's funny when a record skips on a phrase and plays it over and over again.

These little ditties are a big part of who Bill is and have worked their way down through the generations - from his dad, through my family and now on down to my kids as well. In fact, it's not uncommon to hear one of my kids spout a Bill-ism and the other one say, "Hey, that's what Grandpa says!"

The important thing is that I share the pain with all of you. So with that in mind, here is the latest round of...

Billisms: Part IV

"I like to drink buttermilk, because that's what makes the cowboys so tough"
This one usually follows this Billism, "Lookit here - buttermilk!" I really doubt anyone believes that drinking buttermilk makes cowboys tough and I don't think it makes sense to cast this stereotype on cowboys in the first place. Fortunately no cowboys have filed any formal complaints or lawsuits.

"I taught Brett Favre everything he knows"
This is one of my kids' favorites. And when they were very little Bill actually had my younger son convinced this was true. I suppose when the big kids don't buy it anymore you can always sell it in the 5 year-old market.

"Many a true word is spoken in jest"
Bill likes to say this old English proverb whenever he hears someone make a derogatory "joke" about someone else, especially when the joke is followed up with "I was just kidding!" Actually, after listening to the way some people use humor to try to disguise mean things they say about other people, I've come to believe this is often true.

"I was so smart in school my teachers used to get my name mixed up. They always thought my name was Alec, and would often say, 'There goes that smart Alec!'"
Oh God, Bill loves this joke. I guarantee that within 1 hour of the first time you meet him, you'll hear him say this. Thank you Curtis for reminding me of this one.

"I'm such a smart ass that I can sit on a nickel and tell you which side is up"
Another one of Bill's favorite jokes, which usually follows the one above.

"When all else fails, read the instructions"
A classic Bill comment used whenever he has to concede to the instruction manual. Bill, like most males, will ALWAYS try to assemble something first without using the instructions. Always.

"What do you want me to do, roll it around it my mouth?"
This one dates back to my childhood when my mom's mom would join us for dinner. Grandma's comment would usually be something like, "For goodness sakes Bill, you eat so fast how can you even taste what you're eating!" Bill would then respond with this classic comeback.

Bill's Favorite Quotes

It's time to give my dad, Bill, his turn.

Over the past few months I've been having fun with my "Billisms" posts. If you know Bill... no, if you've even ever met Bill - even for 5 minutes, you would have without a doubt been exposed to at least one of his classic comments.

What qualifies them as "Billisms" is the frequency of which he spurts these - and the fact that by nature they are funny. Not "ha ha" funny, but more "stupid" funny, or "oh my God if I hear that one more time I'm going to kill myself" funny. And for those of us who have been around him our entire lives, they have become a signature of who he is.

However, as hard as it is to believe, Billisms are not the only things he says. Bill, in fact, does have other quotes he likes to say. A lot! So, in fairness to the defenseless and blogless Bill himself, I am going to post a huge list of quotations he has submitted to me himself.

Here's what he wrote when he sent them to me...

Jeff: I wrote down a few old sayings that were floating
around in my head, but I do not know who said them. Perhaps I thought
there was wisdom in a great many of them. Do not forget that many a
true word is spoken in jest.

Thanks dad, for being such a good sport AND for being such an easy target. But don't forget - YOU HAD IT COMING!

Of course, I say that in jest.

Click here to read Bill's favorite sayings.

"Bill-isms" - Part III

My dad's name is Bill.

Due to the extreme popularity of Bill-isms and Bill-isms Part II - The Sequel, a third "Bill-isms" is now inevitable to complete the trilogy. Thanks to my sis (who has contributed to these via her comments in Bill-isms Part II) we now have enough of Bill's fertilizer to keep the list growing. In fact, I would like to extend this invitation to ANYONE who knows of Bill and his sage words of... well, his words - to submit your known Bill-isms. Hey, if we've come up with these so far, there must be more!!! So now, onto Part III:

"Dumb kid - I teach you everything I know and you don't know nothin!"
Bill's way of ribbing you, and himself, when you screw up.

"Don't go hog wild!"
Don't overdo it. (I never said these were clever, only things that Bill says)

"You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel"
His favorite song to make pun of. You're right, he's no Weird Al.

"What time do the Chinese go to the dentist? 2:30 (tooth-hurty)"
One of Bill's all time favorite "jokes". I debated to even write this one, but then figured that if someone was offended by this Bill-ism, they're wound too tight.

"If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all."
Bill didn't invent this by any means but he likes to say it - and it's good advice to boot.

(the following are based on submissions from sis)

"Need a ride Lois?"
Bill's "clever" way of suggesting he is ready to leave an event. And if you don't hurry, he will actually head out to the car and honk the horn. No, this is not just an urban legend.

"Lois, popsicle!"
One comment Bill will most likely never live down. During one brief period when he was confined to a chair after surgery, Bill was actually heard "ordering" a popsicle from Lois. Unfortunately for him, his daughter was around to hear it.

"On the other hand, she wore a glove"
In that rare moment when he realizes he has not said anything for awhile, Bill will "come to" and blurt this out. Pure Bill bull.

"Here, hold this"
As in, "hold this end of the spark plug wire while I pull the lawnmower cord to test the spark." After the impending shock to the holder, Bill will respond with "OK, it works!" Unsuspecting helpers will fall for this - once.

"Go in the bathroom and grab me that new Time magazine, would ya?"
Another clever ploy from Bill, this time to get someone to go into the bathroom after he's been in there first. I believe this is the actual origin of "there's something rotten in Denmark." Again, unsuspecting helpers...

"Tough to get good help around here"
Bill's response whenever someone (i.e. Lois) doesn't just jump right up and fetch.

"Bill-isms" - Part II

My dad's name is Bill.

In "Bill-isms" - Part I, I mentioned a few of the sayings he is so famous for, at least within my family's immediate circle of siblings and friends. Here are a few more of these gems:

"Don't make a project out of it"
Used whenever Bill feels you're taking too long with a task or making it more complicated than it needs to be.

"Free advice is usually what you pay for it"
I hope Bill knows the irony of this one - since he dispenses more free advice than anyone out there.

"Oil and grease are cheaper than parts"
Bill is an excellent mechanic and will always get your engine or appliance running. Cost? This advice.

"Illegal is a sick bird"
Expect to hear this pun (ill eagle) anytime the conversion contains the word illegal. Wasn't funny 40 years ago either.

"Lefty-loosey, Righty-tighty"
A classic memory tool to help you remember which way to turn your wrench. For as much as I hate to admit it, I have to use it often. It works, try it.

"Leg of a bench!"
"Son of a bitch!"

"Take what you want, but eat what you take"
Another very classic comment made whilst filling our plates at the dinner table. During the Depression Era, of course, food was NEVER wasted.

and finally...

"Lois"
My mother's name. Pronounced lo'www-is with an almost sung-like quality, as if calling across a great river valley to the maiden on the other side - however, with the expectation that this maiden will swim across and bring him a sandwich.

"Bill-isms" - Part I

My dad's name is Bill.

In my last post I mentioned just a few of the sayings he is so famous for, at least within my family's immediate circle of siblings and friends. Because my dad is indeed "pushin 80", I thought it might be a good idea to start capturing (and explaining) some of his unique "Bill-isms" while he is still spewing them out on a regular basis. Following will be an ever-growing list of these, as I continue to remember them:

"Don't feel sorry for anyone dumb enough to get hurt"
This one is classic. Right at the exact time you hurt yourself and need a little daddy-TLC the most, Bill will unleash this one. In fact, my psychologist and I talked about this one just the other day.

"Don't break it!"
Used EVERY time without exception when you are about to tighten a nut. Variation: "Don't strip it!" - used when tightening a screw.

"I'll boot ya in the ass!"
Bill's most used threat whenever one of us kids were screwing around or not listening. In our entire lifetime, not one of us were ever booted in the ass.

"Crazy mixed up kids!"
Said to his friends to justify why we were embarrassing him whenever we embarrassed him, which was usually every time he was talking to one of his friends.

"Aim high, hit low"
The only thing you need to know when engaging in a fist fight with someone.

"Lookit here - buttermilk!"
Another one of those used EVERY time without exception (uEtwe) phrases - said immediately before drinking a glass of buttermilk. Variation: "Lookit here - avocado sandwich."

"I'm headin for the bone orchard"
Almost dead

"Never back up any further than you have to"
I've actually always liked this one, and use it often. This is some very good common sense advice that I believe actually helps prevent rear-end fender benders. However, it only helps if you think of it every time you back up. Fortunately for me, because Bill has mentioned it no less than 10,000 times (9000 of them during my first year of driving), I ALWAYS think of it.

"Turn here"
Not particularly unique to Bill, but qualifies as a Bill-ism because of when he uses it, such as when I'm getting ready to turn onto the street he lives on - the same street I also lived on for 20 years!

"That's enough to gag a maggot!"
Used to describe something REALLY smelly.

"Quit your grab-assin"
Quit screwing around. Most often used in conjunction with others listed above, as in:
"Quit your grab-assin or I'll boot ya in the ass, ya crazy mixed up kids!"

"Who's in the basement?"
Yet another uEtwe phrase - EVERY time Bill would come into the house and notice that the basement lights were on. I always assumed he was asking for the mere purpose of trying to save energy so he could turn the lights off if no one was down there. However, it never really seemed to matter what response came from the basement because he always flicked the lights off from the top of the stairs anyway.


Words always pronounced this way:
"inconfident" (incompetent)
"chanch" (chance)

Life Divided by Four

If you ask my dad how he's doing, he'll tell "not too bad - for someone who's pushin 80!" The fact is, he's been "pushin 80" since the day he turned 70. He's 78 right now. Another thing he'll tell you is that he's "headin for the bone orchard." If fact, given the chance he'll say a lot of things, for a long time, and he won't likely stop.

Dad seems to be somewhat fascinated by the fact that he's 78 and still doing OK. I say OK with italics because although he's perfectly mobile and sharp as he ever was, he does have at least 3 stents in his chest and visits the ER about once a year now due to periodic scary "episodes" of pain or tightness.

One of the reasons I think he dwells on his age is because when he was in his early 60's, he had himself convinced that he was going to fall over dead at the age of 65 - based soley on the fact that his dad died from a heart attack at that age. What he refused to accept though, was the fact that the only reason his dad had a heart attack was because (legend says) while he raising a house for his house-moving company, one of the timbers underneath the house shifted. Instead of letting the house fall, he grabbed the corner of the house and held it up while his partner reset the timber. This might sound implausible, but my grandfather was a massive man of 6'6", 300 lbs and all muscle from years of tossing around house-moving timbers. Anyway, because my dad didn't die at 65, he now considers every minute beyond that as cake - an added daily bonus.

Recently, during one of dad's reflections on the mystery of why he was still alive, he made this proclamation:
"As I look back over my life I am amazed at how quickly it has gone by. And in addition to going quickly, it seems to have happened in 20-year chunks. I remember being 20, and then all of a sudden I was 40. Then I was 60 and now I'm 80. Next I will be dead. Yes, that's the way it seems to have gone - 20, 40, 60, 80, you're dead!"

Now don't get me wrong, dad is not one of those depressed, morbid dooms-dayer kind of people. Dad is really a very lighthearted funny guy and this statement is typical of one of his, what I call, "Bill-isms". These are family-famous quotes and sayings that he has either invented himself, or passed on down the line from his dad - and may, in fact, continue to travel on down through the generations to follow.

But "20, 40, 60, 80, you're dead!"?

Thank you dad for that neat little summary of life. I'll make sure to grasp on to that the next time I'm feeling a little mid-life crisis-y.