Is that the only thing he ever writes about?

One word of advice:

When you're done doing your business in the bathroom and it's time to pull your pants up...

...step away from the toilet first so your cell phone doesn't come loose from your cheap belt clip and tumble into the "dirty" toilet water.

And you thought you got crappy cell phone service.

* * *

Call Humor-Blogs.com for really contaminated humor.

No, really... it wasn't me!

So this morning I walk into the mens' room in our office building and BAM! - I hit a wall that stopped me dead in my tracks.

Not a physical wall of course, but an olfactory wall that said, "Whoa... the guy before you must have had some bad chili last night!"

I'm not kidding, it was horrendous - or as my dad is fond of saying, "...enough to gag a maggot!" But I really had to pee so I had no other choice than to hold my breath, do my business and get the hell out of there as fast as I could.

Except that while I was washing my hands another guy comes into the bathroom, stops dead in his tracks and looks right at me as if to say, "Dude. I mean come on. Seriously."

So here's the deal... what exactly are you supposed to do in this situation?

The way I see it is you have 3 options here:
1. Act like there's nothing wrong and go with the generic, "Hey, how's it going?" greeting.
2. Engage in a pathetic attempt to explain that it wasn't you.
3. Pull out your ballpoint pen and stab him in the heart until he's dead.

I don't know of any other options at this point, but I'd sure like to hear some -

because I'd hate to waste a perfectly good pen.

Something smells funny at Humor-Blogs.com

The Price of Fame

I've mentioned this before, but I have a very serious hangup about going to the bathroom in a public restroom. Specifically to... well, you can read about it here. But sometimes you simply don't have a choice, and you have to answer nature's call.

So yesterday this guy in our office building follows me into the bathroom. Most of the time if something like this happens when I'm on a "serious mission", I simply walk over to the sink and act like I just came in to wash my hands. Other times, if the guy is headed toward the urinal - I'll go in the stall, sit down, and wait him out. But yesterday... well let's just say I really had to go and it didn't matter why he was coming in. This time I had no choice.

So - imagine my horror when I sit down to do my business and all of I sudden I hear this...

"Hey! I saw you in the paper yesterday - on the FRONT PAGE! Good job!"

Me: (~uhnnn~) Um, yeah thanks.

Him: Yeah, it was weird. I saw your picture at breakfast yesterday and was like "Hey honey, lookit here. This guy works in the office downstairs in our building!"

Me: (~grunt~) Uh huh.

Him: So, what is it that you do again? You write a newspaper column or something?

Me: Uh, yeah. (~toot~) Something like that.

Him: Wow, that's cool. Well good luck with that. See ya later!

Me: Yeah, thanks.

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: Good grief.

Poop - with class

Sometimes I want to write about poop.

Sometimes I wish I could describe when I was a toddler and I used to make my mom come in and look at it before I could flush it. Or when I was in grade school and used to sit on the toilet talking to my friend for like a half hour while I did my business. Or when I was a teenager and... uh, nevermind - I'm about to say too much.

So anyway, sometimes I wish I could write about these things.

But writing about poop would come off as unsophisticated and sophomoric, and most likely gross and disgusting. And would most certainly destroy my credibility as a serious blogger.

But wait! Suppose the single classiest person on the planet was to write about poop. And in great detail. Then, wouldn't that make it ok for the rest of us to write about it?

Well, guess what? Whilst following one of my Google searches about "poop" back to see what that particular person was really trying to find, I stumbled on a related story by none other than the Queen of Class herself...

Oprah!

Hallelujah - my door has been opened!!!

This is indeed good news for me. I am now free to pump out poop posts to my heart's delight!

But sometimes if you're lucky, you don't have to actually write a blog post at all. Sometimes, somebody else does it for you. Then, all you have to do is go get it and bring it back like a gift for your friends to unwrap and enjoy.

This my friends is one of those times!

(From Oprah.com)

Enjoy.

Everybody Poops When it comes to figuring out if you're digesting things properly and eating healthy, Dr. Mehmet Oz says that you should rely on your senses in the bathroom. For starters, have you ever thought about the importance of what your bowel movement sounds like when it hits the water? Listen up! "You want to hear what the stool, the poop, sounds like when it hits the water. If it sounds like a bombardier, you know, 'plop, plop, plop,' that's not right because it means you're constipated. It means the food is too hard by the time it comes out. It should hit the water like a diver from Acapulco hits the water [swoosh]." The next thing Dr. Oz recommends is looking at your stool—c'mon, you've done it before! You should look twice—look at the shape and then, the color. "It should be an S shape and you want to make sure the color's normal because the color of the poop tells you a lot about how you made it," Dr. Oz says. "You don't want [pieces]. Food is a medicine for you. It helps you. [If the stool is in pieces] by the time you finished digesting your food, you don't have enough of it left to poop out in the right way and probably it's hurt the colon that has to process it. At the end of the day you can analyze your body really effectively by looking at what comes out of your body."

WTF?!!!

"If it sounds like a bombardier, you know, 'plop, plop, plop,'..."

Seriously???

"It should be an S shape..."

You know, try as I might, I can't seem to make mine do that. I did squeeze out a nice "C" the other day though - does that count? Maybe if I strapped a Play-doh Fun Factory to my butt.

But hold on... there's more!

Let's see what a few of her friends have to say about their fecal experiences.

Everybody Poops Susan (left), a busy, working mother of three children, says that she struggles with constipation—sometimes only going to the bathroom once every five days. She admits to not getting enough water, instead opting for eight cans of diet soda a day. She also says she likes to eat a lot of cookies and chips, but doesn't get enough fruits and vegetables. Maureen (right), a mother of four children, says that her health is the last thing on her mind. She suffers from diarrhea, hemorrhoids and constipation. "My hemorrhoids feel so bad that it's like grapes hanging out of my rear," she says. "Sometimes they hurt so bad, I can't get out of bed for two days." Maureen admits to eating too much fast food, and not getting enough fiber and water in her diet. On top of suggesting to Susan and Maureen to change their diets, Dr. Oz says that Susan and Maureen need to pass gas more often and not be ashamed—we all need to! Dr. Oz says that the average person passes gas 14 times a day—and less than one percent of it actually smells. He says it's so important that we start creating a "no embarrassment zone"—we need to pass this much gas!

Let's see... Susan admits to not getting enough fruit in her diet, and Maureen has grapes hanging out of her ass. I see a win-win situation here!

Oh, and let's all thank Dr. Oz for suggesting that we should all pass gas more often - WITHOUT SHAME! I couldn't agree more. In fact I've got my "no embarrassment zone" all around me at this very moment.

Ahh - I must say, this certainly has been fun. And no, I didn't make this up.

Some things you just can't make up.

PiP Squeak

I watched my first episode of Fox's 24 last night. Way cool show, although it probably would have been a much better experience for me if I hadn't waited until the 15th episode to see it for the first time.

I understand it's been a very exciting season so far, but I heard that next week it's going to experience one small glitch. Apparently they're going to spend about 1/4 of the show with the camera trained on a bathroom stall door while Jack takes a dump. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Hmmm, taking a dump. Uh oh. I have a feeling this post is going to take a quick turn for the worse.

But there's so much to be said about it. For instance, take public bathrooms. I know for a fact that given a choice, most people would rather "hold it" than poop in public (or PiP as I shall refer to it from this point on, so I don't have to keep saying poop). In fact, at times when I'm going to be away from home for the entire day, I'll go so far as to strategically plan my day in advance so I don't get stuck in a situation where I'll have to PiP.

No, I'm not some kind of nut job and I know I'm not alone on this one. Let's face it, there are many reasons why people don't like to PiP. Here's a few:

Bathroom hygiene - especially in men's stalls. For whatever reason men not only don't pick up the seat when they wiz, they frequently "wash" it while they're at it. That pretty much puts it out of commission for me right there.


However, that's not the worst thing you'll find in the men's toilet. I can't tell you how many times I've walked into the can at a bar and opened the stall door only to see the ol' American Standard "fully loaded" if you know what I mean. And as a bonus for the janitor, there's usually a roll of toilet paper and two beer bottles crammed in there as well. Nice.

Embarrassment - I don't know about you, but I've never heard anyone PiP without first announcing their effort with a ceremonial tooting of the horn. I personally don't like to toot my own horn. I'm a bit humble that way.

Along with the audio shame you also have to worry about the aromatic humiliation. And usually by the time a courtesy flush is needed, it's too late anyway. Nuff said on that one.

Performance Pressure - If there's one thing I'm not good at, it's the ability to perform under pressure. I can't recall answers during trivia challenges, and I can't PuP when I PiP. All it takes is one guy tapping his foot outside the stall and I it's over for me. Being in there is stressful enough in the first place. I don't need to be on a timer as well!

Ok, now that I've shattered the "too much information" record, I think it's time to wrap this one up. And on that note, I'll leave you with an old joke - just in case you've been trapped in a stall somewhere your whole life and haven't heard it before.

What do you call a constipated German? You guessed it - Farfrompoopin!